If you need to come clean and admit your debt to your partner, you first need to admit your debt to yourself.
Having conversations regarding finances can be difficult and easily put off until another day. The fact that you are researching ways to overcome your struggles with communicating is something to be proud of.
I will say that step one to admit your debt to your partner is to admit your debt to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself before you can share confidently with others.
I’m going to carefully touch on each and help build a roadmap so we can get the communication flowing between you and your partner.
Struggling To Be Honest With Yourself
Let me share my own story with you. I was guilty of lying to myself and hiding the truth.
I knew I had debt that I was paying the minimum on every month and I barely thought about it. The monthly payment was always being met on time. I never even took a glance at what the total balance was on credit cards, student loans, car loans, or anything really. I was able to pay the minimum so I was fine…right?
In my head, the story was black and white. I was doing fine because all of the minimums were being paid on time.
I didn’t have a budget.
Interest rates were something I never even understood or cared about.
I did not have goals or plans set for paying off the debt quicker.
Maybe you’re great at communicating with others – I am and was when I was lying to myself about my financial situation.
Can you relate to any of this? The moment you pull off the Band-Aid and look at the big picture is the moment you admit that you believe in yourself to make a change.
Admit Your Debt To Yourself
The goal of this section is to come up with your total debt.
If spreadsheets work for you, keep a spreadsheet. Create something very simple as a starting point or use the below calculator to get your total.
Great Job!
Now you have the total debt amount.
Do not feel discouraged! It’s time to admit what the problem is and you’re doing just that by looking it in the eyes.
You are accepting that this is the amount you have to tackle and you’re going to work on ways to get this eliminated as quickly as possible.
Keep this amount somewhere and look at it every day.
I actually suggest breaking it down into smaller sections so you do not feel this is an impossible amount to pay back.
Make a new “Total Debt” breakdown tracker once a month so you can see your progress.
If you have three credit cards, make sure to break them out individually so you can see yourself scratch one completely off.
Now please allow me to elaborate on breaking the debt down into smaller sections.
If you have a very large debt like a student loan or mortgage, break it down into quarters. Student loan balance totaling $80,000? Break that down to four $20,000 line items. If your mortgage is $400,000, break it down even further into eight $50,000 sections.
Set a reward for yourself every time you complete a “section”. I discuss this further in my article on paying off high interest credit cards, but this does apply here as you want to acknowledge that you have future plans. You also want to be prepared for the below section, which is discussing your debt/plans with your partner.
Holding yourself accountable is the key to success.
Acceptance Of Your Debt
Before you can talk to your partner about your debt, mental acceptance must happen within yourself.
Being upset with your total debt won’t change the number. You are not going to be able to eliminate this number overnight. The number is going to follow you around for a bit. How long it follows depends on your ability to make a plan and enact it.
For now, focus on accepting that this is your debt. You are not in denial. There are no excuses. You are not blaming anyone else although someone else may have had an impact.
Yes, it happened at some point and you now want to make a change. Forget about the past and let’s focus on making a plan getting and then getting your partner up to speed.
Have A Game Plan
When you sit down and admit your debt to your partner, it will go much better if you have a plan.
You’ll feel better about presenting it if you’ve formulated goals and actions that you are dedicated to completing.
I’m not going to spend a lot of time telling you how to make a plan. I will say that making your debt a priority above all else worked for me.
Check out my article on paying off high interest credit card debt if you’d like some guidance. Some other great tools:
I also like CreditKarma’s Debt Repayment Calculator to help you solidify an achievable game plan.
Prepare To Admit Your Debt To Your Partner
It’s difficult making major financial changes until everything is out in the open. Your partner won’t understand when you don’t want to go on that expensive summer vacation you were talking about last year. Your partner won’t understand when you say you don’t have the money for concert tickets or a weekend getaway.
Or even worse, you will go on that vacation and buy those tickets and dig yourself into more debt instead of coming clean.
I’m not saying we don’t all need to reward ourselves from time to time – we do and we’ll go insane if we don’t (at least I would).
The difference is that you are going to budget for it. Plan it out in advance and make sure that you have saved the money and you aren’t sacrificing your successful financial future by participating in small guilty pleasures.
Your partner should want to help you and support you each step of the way.
If you’re good here and have open communication, you’re free to move on. If you’re still a bit nervous about talking with your partner, I’d like you to know a few things.
First, the problem will grow over time. I am definitely not trying to stress you out.
Second, if you do want to grow this partnership, don’t you expect open communication from them in return? How could they give that to you if you aren’t giving it to them?
Third, you are going to feel so much better after this is conversation is over and you’ve put it all out there.
Admit Your Debt During An In-Person Talk
When you do decide to come clean and have that serious talk, here are some tips:
- Try some practice runs on how you’ll present your information.
- Try to stay calm and not get so emotional that you can’t get all your information out there.
- You don’t want to forget anything – make a list.
- It’s better to admit to 100% of the debt now. Don’t be stressed later because you left something hanging that you did not want to tell yet.
- Find a quiet place where there won’t be any interruptions.
- Not only should you come clean with any debt, come with solutions as well. Your awesome plan for getting out of the debt you are in is what you want to present and feel confident about.
If you still still have fear, concerns, or aren’t sure how to present the information that you have gathered, it’s completely understandable. This is a difficult conversation to have for so many people. I’ve been on the hiding side myself – I hid debt from all my partners prior to marriage.
I remember going on trips I never should have been able to afford by using credit cards.
Final Thoughts
You’re making a huge step and putting yourself out there.
You’ve made the first step by simply reading this article. You know being honest with yourself and/or your partner is an issue that needs to be addressed.
Stay focused as you work to eliminate this debt. I changed my reading habits to include a ton of debt management and budgeting books and that kept me on track.
Be proud of yourself and your decision to be financially successful!
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