You have come to the realization that your partner spends too much.
Perhaps you’ve tried a few different tactics to resolve this issue and nothing has worked.
Maybe you’ve tried nothing at all as you’re just now figuring out there’s a problem.
You believe that your partners spends too much and loves every second of it. Maybe that’s slightly off – perhaps they spend and have guilt after. Perhaps they justify their spending by saying it’s items they (or you both) need. Maybe they know it’s not items they need, but everyone else has it and they don’t want to look poor.
They justify their spending repeatedly. It may be causing arguments and you want them to understand your frustrations.
You want to get out of this terrible cycle you’re in. You have goals and you want your partner to share your enthusiasm for having incredibly buff savings and investment accounts. Let’s go through some ways to get out of this uncomfortable position you are in.
The idea here is to prepare things you’ll need before you can have the talk. The talk is going to be calm and educational. Think of it as a business meeting. Right now you’re preparing and gathering all of the data before the big day.
Get out an old fashioned pen and paper and let’s begin.
What Does Your Partner Spend Too Much On?
Priorities are important. Your partner’s priorities should be important to you as well.
Find out what your partner spends too much on without asking them. What is bothering you about their spending?
This may be an easy answer with simply “shopping for clothes” or “eating out”.
It also may be very complicated and you’re smirking while saying “everything”.
What about big ticket purchases? Are their travel expenses outrageous? Perhaps it’s the amount of money that your partner spends on a car payment to maintain a luxury looking lifestyle.
Get your list together of items that you feel like they are splurging on.
If the list is huge, narrow it down to three or less specific categories. It’s going to be too overwhelming and an extremely drastic shift if you try to conquer everything at once.
Go in baby steps with your top three or less items.
What Do They Spend Little On?
In addition to this “naughty” list, make sure you have a list together of all the things they don’t splurge on.
Find and make note of some things that your partner is frugal with.
Perhaps they are minimalistic when it comes to decorating or buying things for the house. Maybe they always make their own coffee at home.
You’ll need a few positive comments prepared for the talk.
There are good and bad sides to every story. It will be easier later to address the “bad things” if you have a few compliments to say.
Get The Facts
You will need to pull together all the facts before you go rushing at your partner with “You’re spending too much!“
Steer clear of attacking them. A level head will definitely prevail in this situation.
Pull all receipts for the last month. For each of the items on the spending “naughty list” that you created previously, calculate a total spend.
Example: Shopping for clothing
- 6/5 – Macy’s $344.00
- 6/7 – Banana Republic $124.00
- 6/9 – Amazon – $35.00
- Etc…
- Total Spend for 1 month = $1,100.00
Now find out what you spend on the same exact item. Make a column with actual spend from your partner and a column for your actual spend over the last month.
Calculate your total take home pay for one month, including all income sources.
Next, figure up the percentage. For example, you have three income sources in your household and they all pull in a total of $10,000 per month. Your partner’s shopping expenses equal out to be $1,100 per month. $1,100/$10,000 = 11%.
Finally, find out how much you spend on this same luxury. Maybe you spend $300. $300/$10,000 = 3%.
To see a comparison, take a look at what percentage you are contributing to retirement and your mortgage or rent payment each month. Put all of this into columns.
Example:
| Take Home Pay | Spend on Clothing – Partner | Spend On Clothing – Me | % of Income – Total Clothing | % of Income – Housing | % of Income – Retirement |
| $10,000 | $1,100 | $300 | 14% | 24% | 10% |
Do you see the points I’m trying to make?
14% of your take home pay is clothing. This is your low hanging fruit to make some significant changes to your life.
I realize this will be different for everyone, but do the work and calculate your numbers so that you can show the facts in a comparable format. Try to remember that it’s a business meeting.
Have these numbers completely ironed out so that you are ready to present them during your talk.
Alternative Suggestions
You’ve made a list with all of the items (or maybe it’s just one item) that you feel that your partner is excessively spending on.
Do you know what the right number is that your partner should be spending in an average month?
Come up with options for them to help stop the excessive spending.
For Example:
Going Out To Eat Too Often
If they spend four nights a week going out to eat at expensive restaurants with friends, tell them that they can have all their friends over to your house once a week for a potluck dinner. But keep 2 nights out with friends.
You’re only asking that they give up one night. That would cut the spending in half.
Shopping
If they have a shopping addiction, help them find a hobby to stop the excessive amount of free time. You are not stopping the shopping, but you are helping give alternatives to the shopper feeling like they have nothing else to do.
Ask them to see if they could cut their shopping budget in half. If they have a shopping friend, (after you speak to your partner) see if you can get that friend on board to start trying low-cost alternatives to shopping.
For example, a night out dancing or watching a movie.
Online Shopping
The “hobby to take up free time” idea applies here as well. Where is your partner when they are doing the excessive online shopping? Are they unhappy with their job and they’re spending time online most of the day?
Are they bored at work or at home and you’re in separate rooms? Could you offer more time together to replace the need to be online so much?
The idea here is to have a list of alternatives prepared for your partner before you have the main talk. Be creative and sensitive to their needs as you create this list.
The Time Has Come! The Talk
You’ve researched and have been gathering the data and comparing it with your own spending habits.
Most likely, you’re seeing that they are spending more than double what you currently spend on the same item every month. You wouldn’t be so irritated if you didn’t know there were significant differences in your spending habits.
You are keeping your frustrations out of the room. Remember it’s a business meeting. You are coming in with the facts. Do not forget that you’re also coming in with compassion – this is someone you deeply care about.
You’ve got your calculations for one month, percentages, and suggestions for what they could do instead of spending.
Set The Mood
Find a place that is quiet and you will not have any interruptions. I would also suggest a place you haven’t previously argued about money before. You don’t want your partner feeling like this is going to be a repeat of any previous discussions you’ve had on the subject. You’re trying something new – find a new place.
I would also suggest, depending on your situation, giving your partner a heads up that this meeting is happening. You most likely plan a date night every so often. This is a planned money talk night. Place it on a shared calendar.
Keep The First Meeting Easy Going
Do not forget to mention the items that you found that your partner doesn’t spend much money on. There has to be something you previously identified that they are frugal with. You want to mention those items as well – it’s important to bring some positivity to the conversation.
Are you prepared to ask your significant other to spend half of what they are currently spending? I think that is a reasonable ask and doable if they agree there is a problem. Feel out the situation – If it’s going in your favor, ask the question.
If things start to get a little confrontational, carefully end the conversation and let your partner know that they can think about what you’ve discussed and you’ll plan another money talk meeting soon.
Good luck!
What If This Fails?
No matter how much you’ve prepared and practiced this “intervention”, your partner may not be willing to listen.
Make sure that you’ve made it known that you’re coming from a place of love. You care about your partner and the life you are going to share together for years to come. You’re trying to make things better for the both of you.
Give it some time and revisit the topic again if things do not change. Some individuals may be defensive as an initial reaction, but only because they know that they have a problem. They need some time to think about what you’ve presented to them.
However, if you have waited weeks or months and nothing has changed, at this point it may be time to get a professional involved. Do not think of this as a failed intervention. You’ve researched and you have presented excellent data. You’ve kept your composure even though you’ve wanted to scream to get your point across.
I would suggest a couples counselor so that you can both experience this together and continue to build a bond. Some habits are difficult to be broken and there may be history that you don’t know about that happened prior to your partnership.
Check out Positive Psychology’s article on What Is Financial Counseling?
Final Thoughts
Money can be a very sensitive topic so be prepared and expect your partner to be at least a little defensive.
The longer you put this off, the harder a talk will most likely become. The problem could grow and put your financial futures at risk.
You’re coming in with the facts, but not without sensitivity.
Make sure you’re not only pointing the finger, but looking at it together.
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