Feeling working mom guilt? I’ve been there.
When my first child was about to start kindergarten, we moved to an area that had the best public school system around. The houses were insanely expensive, but I was sure that I was doing what was the best for my two kids.
Growing up, my kids didn’t know that there were households that had a parent that didn’t work. They had gone to preschools or daycares where both parents had careers. I doubt it was the topic of much conversation at two, three, even four years old.
However, when they started public schools, they begin to question why I had to work and why I couldn’t be at the bus stop when they got home. The questions completely devastated me.
I had previously had working mom guilt, but it felt different now that they were aware that work got in the way of some things.
Occasionally, they heard me on the phone at 7pm discussing work related topics and they didn’t like that at all.
Eventually I found my way and I became a proud working mom of two that kept her busy full time job and somehow juggled it all.
Now that they are older and about to head to college, working mom guilt no longer exists. However, I remember the feeling well.
Let me share with you the ten steps I wish I had known earlier in their lives.
Step 1 – Focus On The Positives
Thinking about all of the negative reasons why you have to work and feeling sorry for your particular situation will only bring you sorrow.
Refocus and concentrate on the positives.
What are you bringing into your life by working? Most likely an income that provides your children with the things they need (and sometimes want).
Are you able to provide health insurance or other types of insurance? Do you contribute to a company sponsored 401(k) plan that you may not be able to if you weren’t working?
By working, are you showing your children that they can go after their dreams and become successful?
Yes, you are.
You are showing them that you can have a career and a family.
Refocus on the positive aspects, as there are many. Your situation is likely unique to you and your family.
It takes a mindset shift to get out of working mom guilt, but focusing on the positives will help you get there. Remember that you are working for a reason.
Make a list of the things that working gives you that not working couldn’t.
Step 2 – Trust Where Your Children Are
When my children were one and four, I placed them into a new daycare.
My four year old told me horror stories when I picked her up. I had never felt so much guilt over leaving them. I cringe even now, 10+ years later.
Luckily, I was in a position to take time off work and I never took them back to that daycare. I researched other options and brought the kids along while we scoped them out.
I was missing a key component when I previously found somewhere new. That component was having their seal of approval.
We finally found one that my children loved and they stayed there until they started public schools.
You have options.
Do not settle for mediocre childcare that you feel isn’t up to your standards. Research and find the perfect place that fits you and your children’s needs and wants. Take them along if they are old enough to help with the decision making process.
If they have “buy in”, they’ll feel much more comfortable being dropped off on day one.
Step 3 – Don’t Let Others Bring On Working Mom Guilt
According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, “Among married-couple families with children, 97.4 percent had at least one employed parent in 2022, and in 65 percent of these families both parents were employed.”
This means that in 65% of married-couple households, both parents were working. That also means that 35% of these households had at least one parent not working.
I will never say anything negative about a stay-at-home mom. It’s their choice. Just like it’s ours and we have chosen to work.
However, stay-at-home moms usually have some flexibility that we do not have.
They may be able to volunteer more of their time to activities their children hold dear. There may be other moms that work only part time.
The point is to never compare yourself to someone else. Don’t try to keep up with anyone. Do not let the reason you have working mom guilt be because someone else made you feel this way.
Don’t ever feel like you have to volunteer for everything. I tried to always show up for things that were important to my kids like classroom parties or birthday celebrations. As they grow older, there will be less of these opportunities to visit during the school day.
If you can’t make it to a celebration, don’t beat yourself up or listen to other moms who “wouldn’t miss it for the world”. You set your own priorities and your children know when you will or will not be there.
At most school events that I went to in the classroom, there were only about half of the parents there. The most important person to listen to is your children, not other parents.
Remember that the last thing you need is negativity. Unfriending someone who is bringing you down is totally ok.
Step 4 – Stay Organized To Keep Working Mom Guilt Far Away
You’ll always feel like you can’t juggle it all if you aren’t staying organized. Working mom guilt can creep up when we fail to remember something.
You’ll remember last minute that you were supposed to pack a bag of napkins in your kid’s bookbag for the classroom party. You will forget a dentist appointment. Something will happen.
Keeping yourself organized is the key to juggling it all.
When a couple of things go wrong, we feel like the sky is falling. It isn’t.
You simply need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and start getting your priorities straight by writing one to-do or reminder down at a time.
If you find some extra time at work and you’re bored, take full advantage and catch up on some planning you would have done at home.
Never leave work with items floating around in your head. Make sure you get them on paper and have them ready to tackle the following day. You’re leaving work where it should be left – at work.
Step 5 – Set Expectations At Work
Family is priority number one. Hopefully your office culture supports this thinking.
Luckily, there are steps you can take to hopefully limit the working mom guilt you feel at your place of business.
Have a shared calendar in your office that others can see. Place any out of the office notifications on the calendar. If you have shared digital calendars like in Google, place any appointments or family commitments on those calendars as well so others know that you’ll be unavailable during those hours.
When you have told your family that you will be there for something, be there. Stand firm if anyone tries to set a meeting or asks you to complete something during your scheduled out of the office time.
Be confident in feeling like you give 100% while you are at the office (and perhaps a small percentage even when you aren’t there).
Your office staff and management personnel should respect the time that you have already said you’ll be out of office for a personal event.
If you feel as though you are constantly being bothered while at home, start to change the narrative and slowly “train” your co-workers or boss to respect your personal time.
Limit the number of calls and emails you check while you are with your children. Don’t initiate work conversations with others while you are on their time. They are your focus.
Step 6 – Utilize Your Kids’ Ways Of Communication
My kids have the inability to call me utilizing voice only. They have to either FaceTime me, talk through text, or group text me.
Embrace their ways of communication. If you’re working late (and even if you aren’t) take some time to communicate with them through their preferred method when they get home from school each day.
Now that my kids are in high school, they random text me throughout the entire work day. I know I won’t always have this and I embrace the messages and try to get back to them as soon as I can.
There was a summer during Covid when my kids made “worlds” in Roblox and I would visit their worlds throughout the day. They thought it was hilarious that I was there.
I tried Snapchat for a bit as a way to communicate with them and found that was a bit outside of my comfort zone so I drew the line there. I’m not a selfie taker.
Whatever your kids are interested in, try it. Don’t shrug it off or not attempt to see things through their eyes.
You may find a way of communicating that is easily fit in throughout your day.
Step 7 – Remember You Are Not Alone
Reach out to others in the same situation that you’re in. Although you may feel like a minority in the community you’re around, there are millions of other working moms in your same situation.
Find a community where you feel welcomed and able to relate to others. Check out Working Momkind to get you started. Having working mom guilt is a real thing that other moms face.
Find other working moms at your place of employment and randomly check on each other.
If you are uncomfortable discussing this with others, lean on a family member or your significant other.
Still some hesitation?
Start by leaning on yourself. A journal can help release a ton of built up feelings. Spend time each morning or evening getting your thoughts on paper.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help from a professional. You do what is best for you, your family, and your specific situation.
Step 8 – Make Time For Yourself
I personally had a hard time with this for years and struggled.
Even if it’s fifteen minutes, set a timer and enjoy every single second. Don’t get lost in the day-to-day activities.
Find something you love and keep it up. It may be reading books from your favorite author or finding a new hobby.
You may want to spend your fifteen minutes in your favorite chair scrolling through social media.
Whatever it is, this “me time” will give you a chance to unwind. If you’re already secure with the time you’ve given your children, you will have no issue giving some time to yourself as well.
Taking care of yourself is so important. Make sure you’re eating right and taking care of your body.
Staying healthy will allow you to have more time to get everything you want done.
Step 9 – Make Time For Your Kids
You’re rushing home late from work. You need to cook and get dinner on the table. One of the kids has a massive amount of homework they need your help with. You also have younger kids that need baths and in the back of your mind you’re thinking about a work assignment that’s due tomorrow.
I’ve stressed a to-do list so many times, I feel like a record on repeat. When you’re making your to-do list, set blocks of times for each task.
- 6:00 – 6:15 – Get feedback on everyone’s day.
- 6:15 – 6:30 – Start dinner and if the kids want, keep the conversation rolling. Ask the kids to get out any homework that wasn’t already completed.
- 6:30 – 7:00 – Help with homework.
- 7:00 – Dinner.
- 7:30 – 8:00 – Set aside time just to be with the kids. Play a game, go outside, or do anything that they love.
- 8:30 – 9:00 Bedtime rituals.
This is obviously a pretty broad example of what your evening may look like.
The idea is to set time blocks. The time blocks should have enough buffer so that if something takes longer, that’s ok.
I purposely left a 30 minute block unused so I have some buffer.
Be sure your partner is also involved and helping. Delegation is key.
Let me say that setting aside time just to be with the kids is so important. This will look different as the ages of your children change and so do their interests. For a bit of time, my block consisted of talking about boy problems and I loved every second of it.
Setting aside this block of time will not only allow you to focus only on the kids, but it will let them know that they are an important part of your busy life.
Step 10 – Let Go And Say No To Help Avoid Working Mom Guilt
Let go of some things. Focus on your family and what’s important. Put yourself, your family, and your happiness in front of everything.
I’m an overthinker and give too much value to the things that others are not giving a second thought.
With that said, I’ve also learned that in order to let things go, I have to find closure. My closure can be (and usually is) pretty simple. It could consist of simply writing “let xxx go” on a piece of paper and marking it off at the end of the day. That gave me closure.
Some things take more time, but I am very aware when I am overthinking something and make an effort to take deep breaths and convince myself that not everything can matter this much.
It’s perfectly fine to say no and sometimes you have to. Don’t let working mom guilt force it’s way into your day because you are unable to say no to something.
Know your priorities and set your limits.
Unfortunately, if you are always the one to show up for events at your kids school, you’re expected to continue to do so by others. Know that it’s ok (and important) to put your priorities first, whatever those may be.
Don’t beat yourself up if you want (or need) to say no to something. You set your own priorities. Being confident in your decisions will help working mom guilt stay away.
Final Thoughts On Working Mom Guilt
Working mom guilt is a real thing. If you’re feeling it right now, know that you are not alone.
Having a support system at home, at work, at your children’s daycare or school will all help you as you navigate your way through this time of your life.
Find a schedule that works best for you. Set aside no-technology time so that you can focus on giving your kids the attention that you both desire.
Being organized and setting priorities is so important. You may not get everything done in a single day, but you have completed your top to-do items and everything else is on a list waiting for it’s turn.
It’s within your ability to shift your mindset and refocus when you feel working mom guilt begin to creep into your thoughts. Stay focused, driven, and positive.
You can be a mom and have an amazing career and be awesome at both!
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