Are you and your partner not agreeing when it comes to money?
Calm, honest communication is the key. There may be one particular expense you are disagreeing on or it may be money in general that is the center of your disagreements. I’m going to help you come together and discuss your finances openly.
This article can’t change what already happened. However, we’re going to focus on what you can do to prevent the stress that is obviously forming in your relationship.
You are not going to agree on every single penny that goes out of your bank account(s). Let me help you make a plan to talk regularly and prevent these stressful situations.
Know and Accept Your Side
First you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with your partner.
Do you know the total income you have coming in each month? Do you know your total expenses? It’s important to know the total balances as well as interest rates. If you’re hiding some things from your partner, check out our page on money communication.
Accept that you may spend more on some things. You most likely spend less on others. Everything can’t be a priority. Know what your priorities are when it comes to spending. Know the things that you are comfortable splurging on and those other things that take a back seat.
Do you feel like you bring enough money into the relationship? If not, it’s time to accept that and see what you can do to support the lifestyle that you both want.
If you’ve both agreed that you will stay home with the children or not work for any reason, do you feel any frustration about that? Accepting and knowing what you feel is the first step in communicating correctly with your partner.
Whatever Happened, Already Happened
If you’ve had a recent argument about finances and you’re searching for an answer on how to deal with it, you’ve most likely calmed down.
Get your facts together before you reach back out and discuss calmly. It’s best to have a notebook or a laptop to analyze what it is you aren’t agreeing on. I appreciate the numbers. Give me the facts and show me that you are educated on what you are trying to discuss with me. If it’s your spending or your partners spending that is the problem, bring all the data to the table. Think of it as an intervention between each other.
Let go of the disagreement that already took place. You’re trying to find the common ground and do what makes the best sense for your financial future.
Meetings between you two need to be set up and held on a regular basis. This is going to eliminate any “out of the blue” arguments. These arguments could very possibly have been prevented if you were having open communication more often. Money shouldn’t only be discussed or argued about when one does something the other doesn’t like.
Are You Thinking of Money as OUR Money?
Is it our money or my money? What works in your relationship – works for you. If it’s not working, you may want to reconsider this question.
In retirement, will money still be separate? Do you divide expenses based upon how much each of you make? If you do, that’s fine – this may be working for you.
What we need to establish here is a clear answer on how you think of your money. Either you are splitting it and contributing a certain amount to every day expenses/vacations/children or you’re not.
Make sure you know if it is your money or our money. Are you comfortable with the way it is or do you want to discuss change?
Communication
Do you communicate about money often? Often would be at least once a month.
If you don’t, I would suggest setting up a day each month where you discuss where you are financially. Questions that could be brought up are:
- Last month – did we hit our goals?
- Did we spend more or less on any particular items?
- Where are we on our future goals?
- Is there anything we can see coming up that may be an otherwise unexpected expense?
- How are our jobs going? Any increases or promotions in our future?
- How are our side hustles going? Do we have any new side hustle ideas?
- How are our retirement accounts doing?
- What are our future vacation plans and how much can we budget?
- Any “out of the norm” communication – Such as a change in plan or thinking on something you already agreed on. People change their minds and it’s ok for you and your partner to do just that.
Do you know what your goals are?
What’s most important to you? The loans you have with the highest interest rates should be a priority for both of you.
Do you know what you’d like to splurge on? If you want to spend more on weekly groceries but your partner wants to spend more on eating out, that’s a disconnect.
Discussing priorities and making a list is important.
Eventually, Add in Retirement
Once you’re squared away with your every day goals and discussions, talk retirement. Do you share the same retirement goals?
A list of things to discuss
- At what age do you want to retire?
- At what age do you think you can retire?
- What kind of income will you have at retirement?
- Where do you plan to live?
- What will your expenses at retirement look like for things such as travel?
- Will you both retire at the same time?
- What are your investment goals for retirement and are you on track?
Honesty
Be open with your feelings. Know what your feelings are and what you’d like to discuss before your next “money meeting”. Gather the data.
This isn’t an “I gotcha” game. No one should be confrontational or irate. This is a partnership and you want to share short term and long term goals.
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