This is a difficult situation to be put in. Perhaps you’ve budgeted your money well (or pretty well) and your parents have noticed.
For whatever the reason, they’ve asked you to borrow money.
There are so many scenarios we could look at in this article. Family dynamics are complicated and I’m sure your particular situation is complicated too.
We are going to focus on two different types of asks here.
The first will be for the reader who has parents that always ask. The second will be for the reader who has parents that rarely ask.
For both scenarios, we’ll look into different ways you could respond to each one.
The Two Different Types Of Borrowing Parents
First let me say that money and family doesn’t mix well. Many of the topics I’m going to discuss could be cringy for some of you. Know that I am attempting to speak to those of you that have parents that rarely ask, and to those of you that are being taken advantage of.
Some people think their parents hung the moon and others haven’t spoken to them in years. Your situation is special and unique to you and your family.
The First Kind of Ask – When They’ve Asked Repeatedly
Things to consider before you decide to give them money yet again:
- How many times have they borrowed money from you?
- Do they always pay you back?
- Do they pay you back with interest?
- Can you afford another handout?
- Does this continually stress you out?
- Are you always waiting for them to ask yet again for money?
- Do you know what they are using the money for?
- Do they have any addictions?
At some point they have to manage their money better and not spend more than they earn. If they are bold enough to keep asking you for money, you should feel empowered to ask them how they are spending their money. You are enabling them to continue their lifestyle by supporting their shortfalls. They are going to come back to you time and time again. You want them to learn how to change their spending habits so that they don’t have to put their tail between their legs and come back to you.
The best thing that you can do for your parents is not to give them a way out of their mess. You can, however, help them analyze their spending and see where the shortfall is.
You know your parents better than I do. Do you immediately cut them off? At some point you need to. If you feel like you’ve said repeatedly “I can’t help you any more after this”, you need to be done now.
If you haven’t said those words before and you want to financially help them, help them under the condition that they let you see their budget. Let them know this is the last time you will support them. Will they be upset? Possibly. Who cares? They are impacting your life negatively.
If this option applied to your particular situation, skip over “The Second Kind of Ask” and head straight down to “So What Do You Decide To Do?”.
The Second Kind of Ask – This Is The First Time They’ve Ever Asked
If this is the first time they have ever asked, I consider this different.
You’ve been blindsided. You don’t want them going to payday loan places.
You also value your hard earned dollar and have responsibilities of your own.
At this point you should be concerned with their retirement plan and what they have invested for the future. Is their money tied up somewhere and this is a short term ask (days) until they can get their money out of investment accounts? That’s different. That’s a talk concerning emergency funds and having a plan when the unexpected comes about.
Show your concern for their easily accessible emergency fund. You’re also concerned that they aren’t saving for retirement properly.
You’re concerned about retirement for two reasons.
- You need to know now if they are expecting you to support them in retirement and you will be blindsided in a few years
- You’re concerned they won’t be able to retire at an age they’ve always dreamed about.
So What Do You Decide To Do?
You Decide Not To Lend Them The Money
Whatever reasoning is behind this, good for you for making the decision. It’s most likely draining you and impacting your everyday thoughts. The quicker you can come to this conclusion and let them know, the better. They are most likely holding their breath waiting for your answer.
Know what your reason will be for not lending them the money before you let them know. It may be as simple as “I don’t have it” and that is a good enough answer. You do not owe them a detailed explanation.
You Decide To Lend Them Half
If you think saying no is the right answer, but you are having a really hard time swallowing it because you do have the money, consider giving them half to start weaning them off. If you do decide to go with this answer, good for you for making a decision. It’s a great one to make when you’ve been stuck in a cycle of giving and giving for years. You’re taking a stance. You want to help them, but not support them always.
If this was the first time they asked, also asking for half isn’t a bad solution to a complicated situation. It may make both parties happy. You can make your point that you aren’t an ATM and you expect the money back, and you’re allowing your sympathetic side to shine through just a bit.
You Decide You Want To Ask To Support Them in Other Ways
Maybe you’re done being asked for cash or maybe you just don’t have the cash to give but you want to help.
You can support them by paying the electricity bill or going grocery shopping for them. If a bill collector is calling them, perhaps you offer to help negotiate a payment plan.
Could you sit down with them and give them some side hustle ideas?
This scenario does depend on what their particular situation is and why they are asking for the money, but letting them know you can help with time or small expenses goes a long way. You’re still supporting them while not impacting your current financial situation. This also lays the groundwork for turning them away in the future if they are looking for some emergency cash again.
You Decide To Say No – You Are Not Lending Any Money
Again, Fantastic job making a decision. It’s hard to tell your parents no. Write down your reasons before you speak with them so you know what you are going to say.
Any and all points you have that are valid to you, are valid.
Some possible reasons:
- You don’t have that type of cash readily available.
- You are trying to pay off debt and this would set you back.
- A little bit harsher – You can’t keep supporting others and not taking care of your partner and children first.
- Lastly – You just don’t have it.
Money is difficult to discuss with friends, family, everyone. Sometimes we’re in situations where we don’t want to admit our money problems or addictions to ourselves.
Know that you need to make the decision that is best for your situation.
In summary, there’s no right answer here and your parents should already know that they are placing you in an awkward situation. By coming to you with this question, they are opening the door for questions in return – take advantage.
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